Reconciling Darkness
As part of an on-going mini-series on testimonies, I’ve felt purposed to share one from a number of years back. Before we get into the core story, I need to set the stage a bit. Context is a thing.
If a healthy, dynamic and successful faith is your goal there are many reasons a three point ditty once per week isn’t enough. We rely on the fresh relational experiences with G-d throughout daily life. The scriptures tell us vividly that, “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” – Proverbs 29:18
I’d first like to break down two words in that verse.
Vision: It’s not referring to a goal or broad reaching plan. It’s nothing like the vision statement found in non-profit orgs. Vision, in this case, is referring to fresh, living and dynamic revelation (communication) from G-d to believers in general and/or an individual believer’s personal life. One could deduce that someone without an active two-way communication channel between themselves and G-d is walking a road lacking most of what Jesus paid for them to enjoy.
Perish: This statement has very little to do with dying by means of something physical. This has to do with whatever faith or progress the person has developed up to that point. The root language of Hebrew suggests this word could better be unpacked as the phrase cast off restraint.
What does this look like in real life?
If G-d isn’t real and practical in my life, why hit the Sunday checkbox? Why read? Why worship? Why abstain from a worldly life? Why won’t He just do things like I want?
As Paul states, “If, in the manner of men, I have fought with beasts at Ephesus, what advantage is it to me? If the dead do not rise, “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die!” – 1 Corinthians 15:32-33
This is about being real. Open. Legitimate with Him if no one else. Throughout my time both in study and vertical communication, I’ve both read and heard this phrase many times, “What are you doing here?” The original conversation is from 1 Kings 19. Have you ever wondered about moments where G-d is asking questions? It’s safe to assume He’s not looking for information. He’s being relational. He’s trying to, in this case, get Elijah to slow down for a minute instead of a living purely out of his emotions.
It’s safe to say that our society lives often out of its emotion in 2022. Logon to somewhere like Twitter for thirty seconds and look around. I’m often floored and deeply saddened at some of the things people are willing to say to perfect strangers. How did we arrive here as a society? For me, I’ve personally had G-d ask me why I’m here multiple times over the years during periods of great inward struggle where I seldom want to look in places He is trying to highlight. It is often a challenge for me to ease into resting with the fact that He desires good things for me which includes wholeness near the utmost top of the list.
When I teach, I transfigure the phrase a bit…How did you end up here? What led you to this point of frustration, depression, lack of faith, etc., etc.? There are very few instances in life where a rapid shift from healthy to falling sickly occurs without many warning signs or symptoms along the way. Living out of our emotions will almost always cause us to blossom into a wildfire and release a great deal of shrapnel into the lives of those closest to us and out into the greater world. We might get what we think we want or win the argument, but at what cost to our character? Our reputation? Those relationships?
We also live in an age where every imaginable topic can be thoroughly indulged within a few minutes. Do you want to become a nuclear physicist? Google it. It’s odd how the name of a company has become an noun. You’ll find a solid path to doing that pretty quick with tons of material to read. Are you curious about sport stats going back to 1974? You can find it. What we lack is reconciled information. The mass majority of the information we are encounter is kept extremely superficial, out of necessity, due to the busyness of life and sheer volume of information we are bludgeoned with. This mountain often includes what few nuggets we are able to cram in along with everything else on a Sunday morning. Very few of our experiences are allowed to sink down into practical soil of our minds, hearts and souls. Living out of our intellect will build the beginning of a stone fortress, but will always become of overburdened and broken tomb with no warmth.
I’ve come across many moments throughout my faith where I knew the truth from either past personal revelation or something in the written scriptures, but chose to entertain or nourish something contrary in my heart. Solomon is a solid Biblical example this phenomenon. His knowledge and wisdom was self-described as a crushing burden apart from his relationship with G-d. His vertical deflection and the accompanying pressure ultimately led him into great depravity through worship of Moloch – a demon-inspired idol that required child sacrifice. Even after all these years there is still nothing new under the sun. How did he end up there? Who of his circle of friends were truly loving and encouraged him to choose a wiser path? Who of that same group coddled him and only wanted to love him by avoiding any topic that would upset him?
G-d is first and foremost interested in reaching our hearts with all of its darkness, wounds and issues still intact. He wants to guide us into wholeness with Him, but a heart that is deliberately superficial, deflective and/or putting on a façade is very hard to reach. Such a heart is described as wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, naked (Revelation 3:17) while also existing in deep deception about its true condition. This malady, unfortunately, is common throughout the whole of humanity, but resonates with great abundance in these latter days. Also bear in mind this outline from Revelation 3 is also the broad description of genuine believers in this age we live in today.
Do we really want to know how we are inside like David did in Psalm 139? Do you? It’s not all bad. Some of that is truly amazing with a bright future if wiser choices are made. Solomon initially made many good choices and prospered more than almost any human then or since. Virtually every promise G-d makes to humanity is conditional in that we have to choose it. Do you really want the relationship Jesus made available or does a kind of fire insurance replace Him by means of a pseudo-religious experience of penitence or hyper-grace? Asking G-d to show us who and how we are can be very hard, but doing so promises rich dividends. Even as I type this out, He and I are going through this very struggle and I’m typing in faith. My heart is screaming, but I need to deliberately choose His truth over my very narrow scope on the circumstances that surround me.
And now we get into the story that I want to share.
During my prayer time some years ago, I found myself asking My Heavenly Father about some of the missing details from Biblical stories. In a way, I wanted to know what was literally between the lines. The section from Ephesians 4:9-10 was the topic on my mind that week. During that time, my heart was inquisitive, but amid what felt like a dry patch where I didn’t feel like I was getting traction with much. And this happened…Below is my firsthand account of what happened:
I went to bed that night just like I would any other night. Nothing special. Truth be told, I can’t even recall what happened the whole day leading up to that point. The experience that followed seems to have wiped that information beyond my ability to recall it.
After beginning my transition to sleep, but never reaching it, I slipped into what I could only conclude was a vision of some sort. It was extremely vivid. I’m not trying to say I’m anything like Paul, but I too wasn’t sure if I was in the body or not.
I seemed to be suspended over the ground fifteen to twenty feet. The sky above was jet black with no stars. Directly in front of me and below me on the ground were several wooden structures clustered together. The wood was old and dry with many dark stains and smudges like charred wood. The doorways were barred as were the windows with thick iron. The roofs were flat.
It certainly seemed like a prison, but with an air of what I can only describe as something torturous. These buildings were more than mere holding cells. I did not see anyone inside the particular cell I was facing, but these structures stretched back and away from me some distance. I was left with the distinct impression these were not abandoned buildings either. The air was insanely hot, dusty and hadn’t known moisture…ever. It was painfully dry.
Apart from the structures, I noted the ground was like nothing I had ever personally seen apart from nature shows and certainly not anything you could ever build on. It was glowing with red and orange from many cracks. There were also splotches of rough black or charred brown. I can only compare it to how a natural lava flow appears that has cooled significantly with an outer crust while the core is still molten. Even though I could not feel most of it, I was aware of an intense and an almost maddening heat coming from the ground yet the buildings were not consumed in fire as they normally should have been.
I was swept away from there suddenly and found myself inside a dark space. I could see absolutely nothing regardless of distance.
After a few quiet moments, there was suddenly much noise similar to dishes being thrown and broken. This was accompanied by snarling and even screaming, but not born out of pain or panic. I jumped! There were many thuds like that of furniture being overturned in the room. By the sounds, both near and far, I seemed to be inside a large hall or chamber based on the echoes.
I could still see nothing, but did feel removed from the scene and safe somehow. I can only compare it to being inside a movie while transparent to the characters. It was nerve-racking not knowing where I was and to hear all this clamor. I couldn’t move from where I knelt, but wasn’t overly afraid.
Even though there was no light source in the room, I began to see figures moving in the darkness. Some were short and hunched over. Some seem to slither on the walls while others of large stature stomped down the middle of the room. The snarling and screaming was joined by immense and wicked laughter alongside varying exclamations of, “We got him!”
I lost count of time huddled in the corner while this chaotic tumult swirled around me with every known type of debauchery and blasphemy thoroughly indulged. It was revolting to watch and made feel me contaminated or even defiled just being near it. I wanted to jump out of my skin and I couldn’t get away quick enough to avoid getting splashed with this filth surrounding me. Needless to say, I was very glad my perception was still very limited and it was made clear pretty quick this was a celebration of some kind.
At far end of the chamber, I began to see the outline of a large stone chair or throne. It seemed like a throne due mainly to its high back. A figure sat upon it whose stature was like that of an average twelve or thirteen-year-old boy. His eyes were a very deep and smoldering crimson that stood out in the darkness.
He sat on the chair seemingly unmoved by the celebration and did not stir the entire time. If it weren’t for the light in his eyes moving back and forth intermittently, I would have concluded he was a statue. His left arm and hand were positioned off to the side while his right elbow was planted on the armrest. His right hand cupped his face just under his right eye and he appeared to be lost in thought.
It was then I was exposed to the contents of his heart where an utterly wicked glee was festering as though he had achieved the last word in some long-standing argument. He was mulling over his victory – rehearsing it over and over in his mind with great relish. A cold smirk slowly grew on his face as he sat recounting while I watched.
Some moments later, I heard a muffled thud as though something heavy fell outside the room and far away. There was an almost indistinguishable tremor in the ground.
The figure on the chair stirred and sat up as though listening, curious. The celebration’s tumult was almost instantly cut in half. Concern seemed to permeate the very air as the celebration faltered.
Another thud. This was closer and the tremor was noticeable by all. The room was instantly quiet as though transformed into a tomb. The figure on the chair adjusted himself to sit up straight and he gripped the armrests loosely.
Another thud. This was closer still and the room shook, but not very hard. Some of the lesser figures in the room began to stir and run around as though afraid. Besides their movement, all was still very quiet.
Another thud. This was much closer and the room shook violently. I can only compare it to the intensity of the Loma Prieta quake of the 80’s in California when I was a boy where the ground was rolling. All of the figures whom had been celebrating previously were now frantic and seemed to be looking for a way out, a way to hide.
There was a pause, an eerie pause, for several minutes. The sound that followed was like an explosion of truly indescribable volume. I honestly can’t think of anything to compare it to. It was unbearably loud. We were all tossed into the air and then hurled to the ground by what felt like an upheaval of the Earth rather than mere shaking.
Terror seized the room. Even the figure on the chair half stood up and gripped tightly the armrests of his chair. He had a panicked expression on his face and yet was paralyzed in fear.
This sound was repeated with the source drawing closer every two to three seconds as though someone were walking towards us given the sound was louder each time. With each subsequent sound blast I noticed the shaking of the room waned. I alone in the room was not afraid. Quite the contrary. In fact, at this point, I felt rather inquisitive despite all that had occurred. This was certainly an unusual response for me.
After four or five more supposed foot falls, the concussions ceased. Only the sound of crying, snuffing, whimpering, and clawing against stone could be heard in the room. All was still dark.
Suddenly there was a loud crash. Doors unseen were burst asunder – ripped from their hinges and hurled violently inwards. What remained of the doors ground to a halt on the stone floor some eight feet into the chamber.
In the doorway stood another figure wreathed in light so bright my eyes felt as though they were singed. The darkness in the room was consumed instantly so that nothing could cast a shadow. I looked away quickly until the strain subsided a bit. Though He was almost painfully bright, I somehow understood that I was being allowed to look at this new figure and would not have normally been able to do so.
The new figure passed into the room with the same thunderous steps, but this time in rapid succession. The floor cracked under every footfall. The room emptied of all the various dark figures except for a few paralyzed with fear as though dead.
This new figure stood in front of the chair where the boy-like figure with the crimson eyes was now sitting again. He did not try to flee like the others nor did he seem blinded by the new figure’s radiance. I was informed this light was something he remembered and was well familiar with.
However, the depth of terror he experienced, having calculated the immensity of his folly, had not stricken a creature in this magnitude before nor has it since. That kind of utter abasement in terror would kill a natural man as his psychological and emotional faculties shattered beyond recognition or reconstitution. The figure in light held out his hand and the shrunken figure on the chair handed him something. No words were exchanged. The figure in the chair seemed to relax slightly and leaned backwards into the chair, still shaking.
Seeing this, the light wrapped figure then stepped back slightly, coiled his right leg, and sprang himself and his foot forward. The blow caught the seated figure square in the head. The seated figure flew backwards into the chair and shattered it into rubble.
Nothing moved for several minutes.
The now dethroned figure slowly lifted himself from the floor, sat up, and leaned back with his arms supporting him. There were chunks of broken stone all around him. It was then I saw stamped on his forehead where he had been kicked the words Utterly Fallen.
The figure in light vanished, the darkness returned, but all that could be heard now was weeping. The vision ended and I awoke.
Why did He share that with me? There were doubtless lots of reasons. The one that stood out is the reconciliation of darkness in spiritual places, but also darkness in this world. A few days ago, there was another mass shooting at a school where many students and several adults tragically lost their lives. At times like this, many will ask where G-d was in the midst of that or other similar scenarios. One small part of the answer is He was right in the middle of it desperately trying to reach the calloused heart of a young man who was in the middle of many deplorable choices. G-d was trying to reach him by many more means than we could possibly imagine, but G-d is not going to barge in and force us to do anything we refuse to do, to entertain. How did he end up there?
G-d has provided to us the immense blessing in freedom of choice, but he also outlines there are very real consequences. He offers us two paths – life or death with no middle ground (Deuteronomy 30:19). Both of these roads will always produce of harvest in an individual life as well as a overall society. We are responsible for our personal choices and for the condition of our hearts. We are responsible – able to make a response to what happens to us because of external circumstances, but also choosing a response based on the circumstances we bring upon ourselves from the past. There is no need to continue downward unless we each really want to.
As individuals and as a society, we can no longer afford to hide from the condition of our hearts. The growing amount of unrest, confusion and violence we are seeing are societal, moral, familial and relational with each other and with Christ. These issues we bear are screaming to be addressed. Any politician or soapbox-politician stating legislative action will largely resolve issues of this sort will take us down the path to more of the same and worse. Legislation will never heal or satisfy the needs in the human heart. Our society needs much less grandstanding and more truly brave people to spend some time in their own mirror with G-d who is just, gracious and loving beyond our broken understanding. We need a wave and revival of repentance that begins in the lives of believers across this country.
The figure in the shattered chair also made a choice a long time ago to live in his emotions, intellect and pride. His fall may have been the worst and most sorrowful since the first dawn of creation. We ought not follow his example despite how much easier that dark path may initially seem. Choose life. Jesus is there to show us all the way if we really want to know.